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What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?

- Mark 8:36

this verse kind of sums up my mood right now. I am supposed to be happy. I did better than anyone could imagine I can do. everyone's pleasantly shocked, I suppose I am too. 

none of this makes me happy. I'm getting money too... I think. that doesn't make me happy either. 

for the first time since lit exam ended, I feel worried and my thoughts are pure chaos.

where do I go? I can't go anywhere. everything's too good, or not good enough. I'm so sick of everything, tired of every single thing.

I'm sick of choosing where to go and sick of prioritising them. 

I'm tired of holding conversations and the silence that's so deafening without it. 

I'm sick and tired of feeling like this, feeling like everything is meaningless. 

I'm supposed to seek God but how am I supposed to do that? I will trust Him and not worry about posting anymore but I have to at least submit something right? what do I submit then? 

God do I have to give everything away? I'm willing to forgo everything to be joyful. take everything away if you want. take anyone away I don't really care anymore, I honestly just want you. I don't want anyone else. 

everyone's telling me to go ACSI. "you'll do well there!" "it's your kinda place." "try something different right?" "you'll suit the curriculum la!!!" 

are these the signs? am I supposed to not even consider appealing to HC or RJ anymore? how do I know if these are from you? am I supposed to submit to authority and do whatever my mom says? 

Lord, please, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who to talk to. no one understands. I need you so much please. I am seeking you please let me find your face?